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TV Bites: [Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2011

by Neena Louise

6:00 a.m.

tv bitesNovember Christmas
Retailers decide to dispense with Thanksgiving altogether and put Christmas in its place. Santa objects and tries to start an "Occupy Walmart" movement. Black Friday shoppers trample and pepper spray him, then police beat and arrest him.

6:40 a.m.

A Child’s Christmas in Wales
A child, curious about the pod of whales near his seaside home, strays too close and inadvertently gets swallowed by one. He decides to make the best of it and sings Christmas carols. The whale blows him out its blowhole. Oh, wait, it’s Wales…my bad.

8:00 a.m.

The Case for Christmas
Spoiled, greedy brats complain Santa wasn’t good enough to them and they file a class action suit. Superman (Dean Cain) takes on his case. When Santa loses, Superman takes over his duties. He does a better job than Santa ("it’s a bird…it’s a plane…"), but only gives lumps of coal to the class action suit members.

9:39 a.m.

Road to Christmas
And there’s only one road, so if you miss the exit, you’re SOL.

10:00 a.m.

Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer
Rudolph, tired of having the sole responsibility of guiding Santa’s sleigh, decides to turn off his very shiny nose.

10:01 a.m.

Christmas Crash
After Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer decides not to guide Santa’s sleigh, it crashes in a field outside Washington, D.C. Fighter jets are scrambled. When they discover it is Santa, they take over and finish Santa’s rounds. Rudolph is sent to Guantanamo Bay to think about what he’s done. Forever.

11:42 a.m.

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
Even though all the greedy Powers That Be are on the naughty list, Santa still comes around for everyone else. His sleigh is rather light this year.

12:30 p.m.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Dateline investigates the case of a green humanoid that managed to clear out an entire town of its Christmas gifts, food and decorations. The fact that there was only a single witness (a child), leads to the conclusion that it was an inside job. The beast – not wanting to be roasted – is the prime suspect.

1:00 p.m.

Mistletoe over Manhattan
When her grumpy husband starts bemoaning Christmas, Mrs. Claus journeys to New York City to find the spirit of Christmas.

1:30 p.m.

Under the Mistletoe
Mrs. Claus, frequently getting caught under mistletoe in New York City, has a fling while searching for the spirit of Christmas. That’s the spirit!

2:00 p.m.

Sons of Mistletoe
Mrs. Claus has triplet boys exactly nine months after her spirited New York City affair.

2:30 p.m.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Well, it used to be. That was until millions of unemployed people were subjected to constant reminders that they can’t afford Christmas.

2:31 p.m.

Frosty The Snowman Gets Arrested
Frosty decides to give some holiday cheer to children at a Chestertown, Maryland Christmas parade. When Frosty objects to the presence of a police dog at a children’s parade, police – convinced he is a pedophile – pepper spray and arrest him. He is held in a steamy cell that almost kills him. (True story.)

3:30 p.m.

Holiday, Inc.
That just says it all, doesn’t it?

3:31 p.m.

Babes in Toyland
Victoria’s Secret decides to do its annual Christmas fashion show at Toys R Us. When the children – bored with the whole thing – set off every noise-making toy in the store, the show ends in chaos.

4:30 p.m.

A Christmas Carol
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-…*blam*. There. Put a stop to that once and for all.

4:31 p.m.

Hoops & Yoyo Ruin Christmas
As if incessant TV commercials weren’t enough, two genetically engineered pink and green creatures ruin Christmas by appearing in a half-hour-long Hallmark commercial.

5:01 p.m.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house: the kids won’t got to bed, the cat won’t stop batting the ribbon around, the dog pees on the Christmas tree, the parents stay up all night assembling gifts and Santa is left waiting on the roof.

5:50 p.m.

Cancel Christmas

6:00 p.m.

It’s a Wonderful Life
You only have 492 chances to watch it on TV this holiday season. Hurry before it goes into the vault for another year! Well, more like another 10 months.

8:30 p.m.

Lucky Christmas
A young couple manages to avoid all Christmas TV commercials, incessantly blaring Christmas carols and crazed shoppers, yet still has a most enjoyable Christmas. Lucky!

9:30 p.m.

Miracle Fruit on 34th Street
Santa, giving in to the health freaks who are convinced sugar will be the death of us all, gives out Miracle Fruit instead of candy during his flight over New York City. Health freaks cheer. The other 99.9995% of adults jeer. Kids cry. Santa vows to never do that again.

10:30 p.m.

lambThe Christmas Lamb
A crippled lamb finds acceptance and friendship in a family farm’s barn during the holidays. Then it gets eaten.

10:35 p.m.

Ice Age Christmas
Despite becoming extinct 10,000 years before Christ, a couple of mammoths celebrate Christmas with Santa Claus and invent the word "anachronism".

11:59 p.m.

Silent Night
There is actually peace on Earth. For now, at least.